A little note I wrote to my dear friend alcohol, too funny!!

[littlejake]

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the
holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings).

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to
believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls and Text Messages - While I agree that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can
have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's?
Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during
the day, let alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating - Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I
eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some
stale chips, washed down with wine and topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a
few cheese curls and chili cheese fries? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think
you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness - Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black and
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
(face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever), the
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily
activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later
than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions. Hopefully
we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan

P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the following items below that I
think may be of some interest to you.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.